so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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