bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Randomize
