he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
