It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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