She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
