you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
