and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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