she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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