I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
