Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
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Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
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You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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