i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
