I looked at my own cervix.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
