One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
