everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
