I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
