I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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