I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
