i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
