im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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