shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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