I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
