I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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