ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
