Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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