Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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