I can feel you judging me through the phone.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Randomize
