I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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