nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
