when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I want her autograph on my taint
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
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I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
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I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
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