you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
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When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
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I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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