Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
