if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
