Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
