The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
