You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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