people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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