you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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