i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Randomize
