Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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