Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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