Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
