omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
