Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I just want nice things and good sex
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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