this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
