I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
