So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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