He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
