just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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