my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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