i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
