i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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