Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Randomize
