I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
