Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
