I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
The convent might be a nice break from real life
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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