Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
